Finding me again

There are certain milestones that make you stop and think about your life.  Your child hitting double digits, health issues, big birthdays.  Earlier this year I turned 40.  FORTY.  The number didn't bother me so much, but it caused me to spend a lot to time reflecting on my life.  What was my purpose?  Who was I outside of my children?  What are my goals?  What do I  like to do (just for me)?  Who am I?

As I let these big life questions eat at me, one thing floated to the surface.

I don't know.

At 40, shouldn't I know?  I didn't.  Not even close.  The thing is after years of children and life in general, I was just so tired.  So tired of making decision, so tired of constantly being the mom, so tired of being responsible.  Just so tired.  Physically and mentally. 

You can't know those big questions about your life when the haze of tiredness shrouds you.  Tiredness permeated my life.  For how long I'm not sure.  I don't think it was a sudden occurrence, but instead it happened over time.  Little by little, day by day, my weariness overtook me.  It didn't matter if I worked out at 5am or slept until 7am, I was still tired.

And tiredness didn't travel alone, she had her grumpy companion accompany her; unhappiness.  This duo paraded through my life trampling over so much and weighing me down.  They made everything feel so heavy.  They became the stars of my life; and in doing so they dimmed my joy in motherhood, in friendships, and in my marriage.

I tried to get tiredness and unhappiness out of my life.  I tried exercising, I tried eating right- things I knew would help.  But I just couldn't.  I didn't have the energy to do the things I needed to do to right my life.  Month after month, tiredness and unhappiness refused to vacate my life.

I wouldn't have met the clinical definition of depression (I checked), but I became chronically unhappy.  That's not to say there weren't any good days, they were just few and far between.  I still went out and had fun, but a get together with friends seemed like so much work.  I laughed and had days that I felt like the sun was shining, but they were the exception. 

When 40 came, I decided enough was enough.  I didn't want waste any more time feeling this way.  So I did what I never thought I would do.  I asked a friend to send me a vitamin she had been talking about for three years which she claimed had changed her life.  I became a Thriver.

[It's been hard for me to write this because I so strongly dislike companies that rely on Peer to Peer Marketing.  Honestly, as soon as someone "promotes" something on FB, I am instantly turned off.  How can I trust a recommendation (even from a friend) when they are making money off of the sale?  It taints the recommendation.  How can I believe it when they could just be saying this to get their product for free?  I could go on, but you get the picture.  You may feel the same... Or you may be offended b/c you promote and completely believe in one of the many products people are P2P selling these days.  I really don't mean to be offensive.  It's just the marketing set up I don't like.]

I wasn't expecting anything.  I thought it was all complete BS, but I had to try something.  I wanted so badly to reclaim my life; to not be tired all day, to enjoy each day with my husband and my children, and to see life without the lens of unhappiness.  After three years of hearing her spout off about Thrive (and after hiding her for a while from my FB feed) I was finally ready to try it.

It's now a few months later.  I am so unbelievably happy to say that chronic tiredness and her companion unhappiness are gone.  I'm sure they'll still show up every once in a while, but their permanent residence has moved elsewhere.  They've been replaced by energy, clarity, and dare I say optimism?  (Or as close to optimism as my pessimistic genes will ever let me get.)  I feel like me again.

I've spent a while deciding whether or not to post this on my private blog or my public one.  In the end I opted for this one.  Because maybe I'm not the only one.  Maybe I'm not the only one walking around tired all day and wishing for bed time.  Maybe I'm not the only one leting their child watch you tube slime videos all day so they don't have to engage with them.  Maybe I'm not the only one wishing for a way to reclaim their life.  Maybe you are too. 

I'll leave it at that for now.  It's not my desire to quit my job, take free vacations, or be a #bossbabe (although #bossbabe sounds pretty cool.).  I just want to feel good; to feel like myself.  And if there's someone else who is in the place I was, I want them to know how I found my way out. 

[If you research this company/product like I did, you'll find good and bad.  You'll find some people that talk like they're sleeping on clouds and shitting rainbows.  Totally unbelievable.  No one feels that way all of the time.  If I only get a few hours of sleep one night, I'm tired the next day.  But it's not the same pervasive tiredness I used to feel.  The unbelievable glowing promoter recommendations is one of the things that turned me off for years.  Like everything else, you'll also find plenty of bad if you look]

[Do I believe this will work for everyone?  No.  Personally, I have felt a difference.  My husband who started a month after me has yet to feel any real change.]

[If you're not willing to change a few habits, save your money.  You have to be ready to change; to drink more water and to give up caffeine.  Speaking of money... Yes, it's expensive.  Personally, it gave me my life back and has been worth every penny.  We only get one shot at this life.  I don't want to waste it being tired.]